Why not take a break from thinking about who will win the White House and distract yourself with writing a poem? I belong to a critique group. We meet once a week and our writing styles are varied. Over the years I’ve brought in poetry, memoir, and children’s stories. When I wrote my book, The Bunny Poets, it was helpful to have feedback on how the story would work with pictures.
For my poems I try to make each word count. Recently, I asked my group for an opinion on the verse below. One suggestion involved word choice. Helpful or not, all of us know I’ll have the final say, but this time I can’t make up my mind.
Do you want to help me out? Look at the picture and then vote for the version you like. I’ll let you know the results next post.
If you wish feel free to share your own version.
Winter Color (1.)
The Japanese maple flutters
its three remaining leaves
begging me to notice
Vivid as any red, red rose
embracing spring
Winter Color (2.)
The Japanese maple flutters
its three remaining leaves
begging me to notice
Vivid as any crimson rose
embracing spring
Winter Color (3.)
The Japanese maple flutters
its three remaining leaves
begging me to notice
Vivid as any budding rose
embracing spring
#1. More visual.
Number 2
I like version 2. Crimson is such a good word. I’d change “any” to “a” though. It’s a lovely poem, whichever version you choose.
I go back and forth between #1 and #2 – I like the rhythm and alliteration of the repeated “red,” but I like the specificity of “crimson.” With Laura’s suggestion, I’m leaning toward #2 again. LOL.
At first reading I chose #3, but after further review I think #1 expresses what you wanted to convey. I like the alliteration and rhythm of “red, red rose.” Very nice, Barbara.
I like #2. I went back and forth between #1 and #2 but #2 won out. I like the verse.
Thanks to everyone who has commented so far. I’m starting to make up my mind. But…for all you dawdlers I know you’re out there and your opinions matter too. I’ve posted this link on my Facebook page so if you don’t like this forum vote there. A simple number would be fine. One, two, or three. Go ahead, make my day by voting!
I preferred version 3. The maple leaves ending fall, the budding rose the youth of spring.
I like Crimson. It reminds me of a Sammy Hagar tune, RED !
#2 crimson rose and vivid and maple leaf go together in my mind, visually, especially on dreary winter morning. I always admire your images!